Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
even my farts smell like vagina
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
