WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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