pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
