i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
