Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
