I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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