I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
