i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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