I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
