it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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