What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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