Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
