How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
