well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
