Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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