instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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