Can i not drive my cunt home
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
