Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
