Fuck appropriateness.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
