My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
