I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
