I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
