why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
