One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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