How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
