"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
