i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
