I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
