can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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