I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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