I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
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Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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