I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
