i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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