there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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