turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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