She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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