my vag is so smooth its legendary
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
