2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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