Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
