The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
