took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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