Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
