I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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