My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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