Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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