i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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