i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
