I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I feel like abortions should bother me more
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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