Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
