In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
