My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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