I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
