This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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