I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
