hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
