They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
