I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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