my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Let's get the cat blown out
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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