i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
