I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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