does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I have post one night stand depression
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
